Answers-You-Seek

Does it seem like you spend the majority of your time dealing with your child’s behavior problems? Do you punish, and punish, and punish and find that it makes no difference at all to their behavior? It can really wear you down and even damage the relationship you have with your child. By using restorative practices with your child, you will find yourself MANAGING the behaviour, rather than DEALING with it. 

Most children do not respond well to yelling or shouting. In fact, it can often escalate the situation, making the child (and yourself!) even more angry and frustrated. Restorative practices is a method used around the world with children of all ages and all different levels of behavior problems. 

It is not difficult. It is as easy as sitting down with your child……. and talking! Talking about what happened, finding out what the child was feeling/thinking at the time, and coming to a solution on how to fix the problem.

When you see your child display a behavior that you feel is inappropriate, don’t yell, don’t threaten a punishment, don’t let yourself get frustrated! Take a deep breath, calmly sit your child down, and go through the following questions:

• Can you tell me what happened?
• What were you thinking about at the time?
• What have you thought about since then?
• Who do you think has been affected by your behavior?
• How do you think they have been affected?
• What would have been a better thing to do?
• What could you have said to yourself to stop the behavior?

Let your child know that their behavior will always have a consequence. Steer clear of the word punishment as children associate this with having something bad happen to them. Consequence is more about taking responsibility for their own choices, behavior and actions.

At the end of the discussion, ask your child what they think a fair consequence should be. 9 times out of 10, the child suggests a harder consequence than you would have.

In some cases you may have to compromise to get the child to come to the consequence you think is appropriate. This makes things a lot easier for you because they have chosen their own consequence and you won’t look like the bad guy!

REMEMBER: staying calm is always the key. YOU set the tone for the discussion. If you go into it angry, so does the child.

For more hints and strategies in managing child behaviour problems, I recommend reading The Good Child Guide.

Once they get to this age, and are this entrenched, trying
to get them back to school can be a self-defeating exercise.
For whatever reason, school has become a major “punishment”,
so any attempts to get her there are merely going to
escalate her resistance.

Far better to remove that goal completely. The real goal
is, of course, for Tina to feel happy, confident, and
motivated. If she can get into that state, she will then be
able to apply herself to whatever it takes for her to
succeed in life.

Clearly the current situation is not doing it for her. The
problem is that the government puts a lot of pressure on
parents (under pain of imprisonment!) To get their children
to attend school. Actually, in most countries, the law does
not require school. It requires Education, which can take
place in many settings other than school.

And that, I believe, is the best approach in these
situations. Remove the pressure to Go To School. Instead,
meet the children where they are at, (instead of where you
wish they were), and find what Does motivate them. Maybe it
is music, or drama, or fashion, or computing. Whatever it
is, find ways for them to experience some success in the
things they do enjoy.

Sometimes the education authorities (if they have enough
imagination) can help out with various different types of
education, including college courses, work
experiences/apprenticeships (Project 19 in UK), sheltered
classrooms - (Pupil Referral Units, as they are called in
the UK)

Then go from one small success to another. At the same
time, don’t make life too easy for them to do nothing (this
is another type of manipulation, just like the 3 year old!)

Progress may be slow. They may not “finish school”. But
hopefully they can start to discover some aspect of life
that is positive, and that will gradually lead them in a
more independent direction.

The other alternative is to continue to force the school
issue - and probably make no progress at all.

Unfortunately, what governments have never learnt is that,
in the long term, people are much more motivated by rewards
than punishments. Forcing people to go to school might help
the statistics, but rarely helps the children. Far better
to make education so exciting that the kids WANT to go to
school! But that is another soapbox issue!

——
Dr. Noel Swanson, Consultant Child Psychiatrist and author of The GOOD CHILD Guide, specializes in children’s behavioural difficulties and writes a free newsletter for parents. He can be contacted through his website on Expert Parenting Advice.

NORMAL TOILET TRAINING Most children learn control of their bowels at about age 2 or 3. If they have NEVER learnt control by the time they four year old this is known as “primary encopresis” (as opposed to enuresis which refers to wetting). If your children are in this position you should seek help from a pediatrician.

Much more common, however, are children who have learnt bowel control, and then seem to lose it again. Not surprisingly this is known as “secondary encopresis”.

There are, of course, a number of reasons why this might occur. In older children it may be a sign of severe emotional disturbance (eg from abuse) and may be accompanied by smearing the faeces on walls, or depositing them in strange places. Again, this probably requires expert help from local child mental health and/or protection services.

The most common problem, particularly in younger children (anything from 2 to, say, 7 or is related to constipation.

Here is what typically happens:

Food is eaten, digested, and passed along the intestines. Eventually they arrive in the large intestines (colon) whose job it is to dry the stool from liquid to a soft putty texture. When this is done, the stool is passed on to the rectum.

The rectum is normally empty. It has nerve cells in it that detect when it is full, and it is this that give you the urge to go to the toilet.

Toilet training is about recognising those urges and responding to them appropriately.

But suppose, for some reason, that you don’t go to the toilet. For example, sometimes children get constipated. When you are constipated, the stool stays in the colon longer, which means it dries out more, which makes the stool more solid.

Such solid stools can be difficult, and even painful to pass. They may even cause a slight tear in the anus, which is very painful.

This might put a child off the idea of going to the toilet next time, since everytime he goes, it is painful.

So, what does he do? Instead of responding to the rectums signals, he “witholds” his stool, and just tries to avoid the whole issue.

The problem of course, is that more stool continues to come down the pipe. Pretty soon you get the whole colon backed up with stool waiting to be passed. And, of course, the longer it hangs around the drier and hard it gets and the harder (and more painful) it is to pass.

A true vicious cycle.

But it gets worse.

First, as I said, new stool is coming down the intestines. At this point, it is still very liquid. This liguid stools comes up against a colon full of solid bricks. But, since it is liquid, it is able to leak past the solid lumps - all the way to the rectum, and out the anus. The result is frequent uncontrollably soiling with small amounts of liquid.

Second, since the rectum is habitually in a state of being full, it gradually stretches, just alike a baloon being blown up. As it does so, it loses its strength (just like a balloon, which gets easier to inflate the bigger it gets). It also loses it sensation.

The end result of this is that the child can no longer sense that the rectum is full and that they need to go to the toilet.

And even if they do try to go, the bowel has lost all its strength, making it difficult to pass the stool.

The net result of this?

1. Child does not know that he needs to “go”. 2. Frequent soiling of pants with liquid. 3. Occasional passing of more formed stools (when the loading becomes too full) - often without warning, since the child has lost sensation.

Then, in response to all of this, the child may become embarrassed, and try to hide the evidence by hiding dirty pants etc.

This then becomes a chronic condition that can, literally, last for years and years, even forever, if it is not properly dealt with. The longer it goes on, the weaker the bowel become, and the hard to correct.

TREATMENT

So what do you do?

The big problem is the flabby, insensitive bowel. So the goal is first to empty it, and then to retrain it back to normal functioning.

To empty the bowel will require positive assistance, ranging from simple suppositories, to laxatives, to enemas, to manual clearance in hospital. So your first step is to go to a doctor - and don’t let them brush you off!

Once the bowel has been emptied, it then needs to STAY empty. But since the child has no sensation telling him when to go to the toilet AND a weak bowel even when he does, this stage will also need positive assistance.

You do this by:

a) Developing a clear routing of going to the toilet EVERY day. Since the child will be nervous about this - because of previous negative experiences with toileting - you will have to encourage this by means of various rewards and incentives. My book can help you with this:

www.good-child-guide.com

It is VERY important that you avoid punitive responses. That will only make the child even more fearful of the whole toileting issue.

I suggest that you have a set time each day for toileting, and that this be after a meal. Why? Because the body has what is called the “post-prandial reflex”. Basically this means that when you put things into your stomach, your body automatically shunts things along the system, and out the other end. So let’s make use of this reflex by training the child to pass a motion at the same time.

This avoids the problem of the child waiting for the “need” to go to the toilet, which won’t happen because sensation has been lost.

2. Because the bowel is overstretched, flabby and weak (like a deflated balloon), it needs help in moving stuff along. The best solution for this is to use a mineral oil type of laxative. This is usually available as a pleasant flavoured liquid (mint flavored liquid parafin - available in UK), or even as a raspberry flavored jelly (Lansoyl - not available in UK).

This works literally as a lubricant. It makes the stool so slippery that it CAN’T stay inside, and so gets passed.

Now, the trick is to use this correctly - and very few physicians will tell you this:

Your goal is to achieve a successful bowel motion EVERY day. So you adjust the amount of laxative to achieve this.

If you increase the dose, then there will be more, and easier, bowel motions. It will also leak slightly into the pants. If you decrease it, then there is a risk of no bowel motion. My suggestion is that you give enough laxative that it DOES leak slightly. It is vitally important to get that regular bowel motion even at the expense of some diry pants.

You MUST do this every day.

If there is a single day that passes without a bowel motion, this requires emergency action. You CANNOT afford to allow the bowel to get backed up again, otherwise you will rapidly return to the same problem and will have undone all the good work up to that point. I cannot stess this enough!

So, if a day passes without a bowel motion, go to the pharmacy, buy some glycerine suppositories, and insert one. That normally produces action in an hour or two. Then increase the daily dose of laxative slightly.

If ever more days than two pass without action, then it is time to go back to the doctor for more intensive help.

Gradually, provided the bowels stay empty, they should return to their normal strength and sensation. Be warned however, that this normally takes AT LEAST a year, and often two years or more, depending on how chronic the condition was to start with.

Where most people go wrong is to assume, after a few months of success, that the problem is resolved. They then stop monitoring it and, before they know it, their child has missed one, then two, then five bowel actions, and it’s all back to square one.

Yes, you can gradually reduce the dose of laxative as you achieve success over the months. But you must still monitor it. Only when you have had a good few months, without laxatives and with no further problems can you begin to relax!

——
Dr. Noel Swanson, Consultant Child Psychiatrist and author of The GOOD CHILD Guide, specializes in children’s behavioral difficulties and writes a free newsletter for parents. He can be contacted through his website on Expert Parenting Advice.

Reader’s Question:

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, my seven-year-old sits bolt upright, stares straight ahead, and screams at the top of his voice. It sounds like he is being attacked by an axe murderer! We try to comfort him, but he doesn’t even know we are there. This goes on for many minutes. Then he goes back to sleep. If we wake him, he seems confused and cannot remember what he was dreaming about.

—–

The reason that he cannot remember what he was dreaming about, is that he was not dreaming! What you are describing is a classic case of night terrors.

When we first fall asleep, we enter stage one sleep. We then progress through stages two and three until, after about an hour and a half, we enter our the deepest sleep, stage four. Scientists can recognise these stages by our brain-wave (EEG) patterns.

Surprisingly, we do not dream during any of these four stages of sleep. Indeed, if you wake someone up at this point, they will remember either nothing, or they might say they were “thinking”.

After stage four we then suddenly shift into a completely different mode of sleep called “rapid eye movement” (REM) sleep. This is when all the dreaming occurs. If you watch someone in this stage, you will see their eyes darting from side to side. We dream for about 45 minutes, and then we go back into non-REM sleep for another hour or so. This pattern continues through the night, with the non-REM stages becoming increasingly lighter. Hence the saying “an hour before midnight is worth two after”.

It is when we dream that we can have nightmares. These are usually Hollywood style productions in full colour that seem very real at the time.

Night terrors, on the other hand, occur in stage four sleep. This is also the stage in which sleepwalking and talking occur. The reason they occur is unknown, and most children grow out of them. They may be worse at times of stress.

Although very alarming, and most distressing to the rest of the family, night terrors cause no harm to the child himself. Indeed, if you can possibly bear it, the best tactic is to not wake him. As you have said, after a while, he just goes back to sleep by himself. The same also applies to sleepwalking, when the goal is simply to make sure the child is safe in his wanderings, and. that he cannot fall down the stairs or out of a window.

Night terrors are common in children aged 3 to 6, and may continue even beyond then. They do not indicate that there is anything seriously wrong with your child. Hard though it may be at the time, the best tactic really is to ignore them, and to try to get some sleep yourself.

——
Dr. Noel Swanson, Consultant Child Psychiatrist and author of The GOOD CHILD Guide, specializes in children’s behavioural difficulties and writes a free newsletter for parents. He can be contacted through his website on Expert Parenting Advice.

Children steal for a variety of reasons. Some steal for comfort, others to impress a group of friends, get back at their parents, or to get the things they want. Sometimes they steal just because it is exciting. Probably as many as one in four children have deliberately stolen something at some time. Most, of course, never do it again. But those who do, do so for one reason: it works. Whatever their core need: attention, money, or excitement, the stealing provides it for them. So how do you stop it? Obviously, if you can help them to find another way to meet their needs, then they won €™t have to continue with the stealing.Along with this, your main emphasis needs to be on promoting honesty. Use everyday events, such as stories from television or school, as a starting point for talking about honesty, integrity, and family morals.

At the same time, model it yourself. What do you do when you find a wallet in the street? Or when you are given too much change in a store? Your children will be watching you, and learning.

Then watch your children. Not to catch them out, but to catch them being good. Reward and praise the little acts of honesty that you see. All of this promotes a culture of honesty in the home.

If you do catch them stealing, stay calm. Losing your temper will not help, and may even act as a reward for them. Secondly, do not tempt them to lie their way out of it.

Encourage your child to do the right thing. This means putting it right. Not just paying back what was stolen, but also paying compensation for the inconvenience and disrespect caused by the theft. Ideally, the child should do this himself, probably with your support. Here are some suggestions:

Return the goods to the manager of the shop, school child, or teacher, along with some compensation and an apology.

If taken from a stranger, confiscate the goods (perhaps hand them in at the police station) and impose a fine.

If the goods have already be sold and spent, he may have to sell some of his possessions (perhaps to you) to pay for them and the fine. Make sure what he sells is gone for good.

Arrange for some “community service” for the victim or, if unknown, for the family or neighbours.

Taking the stolen property back is his opportunity to do the right thing. If refuses, you then have no alternative but to impose an even higher penalty. The message must always be that doing the honest thing, even if it is after the event, is still the best policy.

Avoid a long grounding sentence. Jail does not reform hardened criminals, and grounding will probably not reform your own little angel.

Finally, once it is over, get over it. Get back into reward mode, look for the things your child is doing right, not wrong, and work hard at reinforcing honesty. It is the stealing that is the enemy, not your child.

——
Dr. Noel Swanson, Consultant Child Psychiatrist and author of The GOOD CHILD Guide, specializes in children’s behavioural difficulties and writes a free newsletter for parents. He can be contacted through his website on Expert Parenting Advice.

A parent’s first reaction to their child misbehaving is often to shout or punish them, simply out of frustration and not knowing what other action to take. This is quite a normal reaction and for some children, it is an effective solution, but not when used in excess.

On the other hand, if you threaten punishment for continual disruptive behaviour, but never follow through, the child will quickly learn it is an empty threat and take no notice, making their behaviour worse.There are better ways to deal with your child’s behaviour issues and even redirect their behaviour and help them make the right choices.

The most important piece of information you need to know when your child is misbehaving is to stay calm. By staying calm, you are keeping yourself in control of the situation and thinking more rationally.

Lowering the tone and level of your voice when you speak to them about something they have done wrong, will help you to remain calm. Even if you are so angry with them you feel like you just want to scream, speaking in a slow calm voice is an effective way to relax your whole body.

Just remember… when you are clam, you remain in control of the situation.

Children often act out as a way of gaining attention. Many children can not differentiate between positive and negative attention. To them, any attention, even being shouted at by Mum or Dad, is better than no attention at all. What you need to show your child is that their misbehaving will in fact gain them no attention at all, while their good behaviour will gain them extra. Praise your child with words and actions every single time they do something great.